8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
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Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries