doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
You Might Also Like
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
i’m still crying at this
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
🍛
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit