[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
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painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit