11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
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What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.