Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
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[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!