How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
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When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
The point of your 20s
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.