Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
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Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Just as the prophecy foretold
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Not all heroes wear capes…
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.