me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
You Might Also Like
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.