Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
You Might Also Like
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”