hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
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I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
meow
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.