Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
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Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.