*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
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Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
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I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
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Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers