Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
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Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
spot the difference
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.