In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
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My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
A roof is a house hat.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.