spot the difference
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Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
He a real one for that
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*