CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
You Might Also Like
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Shortcut
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats