Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
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Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Fight
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Overindulged this afternoon.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead