[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
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Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
is nasa ok
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg