Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
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If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?