The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
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Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
I’m too immature for adultery.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.