[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
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Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them