I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
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There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
where do you see yourself in five years?
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.