Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
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When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him