Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
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Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland