Spa day..😅
You Might Also Like
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!