Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
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Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Story of my life…..
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Happy birthday to all the women
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?