on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
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captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Nice try, poison.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.