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“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*