If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
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[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
The asteroid..
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
*orders delivery*
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.