[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
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intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Confused owl: What?!
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man