If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
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cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.