Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
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Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.