‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
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*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….