I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
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If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey