“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
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I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
cat vs inanimate object
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
According to math, I’m broke
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.