What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
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Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
quarantine day 3
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Just this preview of the story is enough
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.