Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
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Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”