Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
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“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.