ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
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I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Terribly Tuesday.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
I saw this ending much differently.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.