If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
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Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.