I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
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[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Lube but for my dry humor.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……