does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
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Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
This has made my week.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
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