If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
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Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal