At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
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[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.