Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
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If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.