curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
You Might Also Like
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Just ordered me some pizza!
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.