Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
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Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
“What?”
– Jude
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”