crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
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I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
WTF
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.