A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
You Might Also Like
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.