Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
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to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Twitter is the new flypaper.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.